Take a moment to think about the desired outcome you would like to happen when you handle this situation in real life.

First, identify the desired outcome you want to achieve by building trust and relationships with people whom you find it difficult, untrustworthy, or distasteful to interact with. For example:

• Do you just want this person to trust you enough to leave you alone to perform your job? 

• Do you need this person to more reliably provide you or your team with certain work deliverables for you to be successful? 

• Do you need this person to be your ally in a long-term or deeper sense? 

• Do you want to understand these people and truly connect with them?

• Are you looking how to maintain as many boundaries as possible without damaging your career?

• Do you want to become friends with these people?

Knowing what your outcomes are may adjust influence the techniques you choose to use when tackling this situation.

Finding the right strategy to achieve that outcome will take some trial and error. Regardless, any of the actions below are potential ways to start building up trust and a professional relationship with colleagues:

• Learn how to engage in active listening and listen more than you speak, especially at the beginning of relationships. This is also a smart strategy to develop a sense of workplace dynamics and politics when you are new.

  • “Your thoughts on the matter appear to be…”

  • “So it sounds like through that situation you learned…”

  • “Am I right that your perspective is…?”

• Find things to genuinely express appreciation for about the other person. The more difficult you find the person the more challenging the genuine part can be. In those cases, start simple.  

  • “Thank you for your time today.” 

  • “It’s helpful to have your perspective.” 

  • “I appreciate your thought of setting up this meeting.” 

• The more authentic you can make expressions of appreciation, the better. 

• Again, this is best done genuinely rather than in a superficial way. Most people will find it insulting to be asked for feedback and have that feedback ignored. Thus, begin asking for feedback on low-stakes items and go from there.  

• Be consistent. 

  • Maintain accountability to others within reasonable and professional business standards. Start with the basics. For example, respond to messages and emails in a timely manner. This is often within 1-2 business days for non-urgent issues. 

  • In general, follow through when you say you're going to do something to establish your reliability.

• For example, communicate realistic expectations around project timelines from your side. Notify of delays and the reasons for them as soon as feasible. 

• When applicable, don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to this but once I learn this information, I’ll let you know.” 

• Depending on your role, you may be more responsible for confidential information than others where you’ll have to be more thoughtful and intentional. 

• While it may seem like a quick way to establish trust with certain individuals, gossip is more destructive than productive to your professional reputation and relationships over time. 

• Keep your negative opinions about colleagues to yourself at work, especially on a personal level. Save venting for when you’re with friends and family unaffiliated with your workplace. 

• When you must discuss the negative behavior of others in the workplace, do so in a manner that focuses on the impact to the organization and your desire to find a solution. 

• Some colleagues will attempt to initiate gossip with you. In these instances, remain as neutral as possible in your responses and gently change the subject. 

• Escalate information when you recognize it as something you’re ethically obligated to report, such as issues related to sexual harassment, bullying, discrimination, cybersecurity, and other crimes or actions that go against workplace policy. 

• Some difficult colleagues will regularly take advantage of generosity and make assumptions that if you do a favor once, you’ll always do this favor, regardless of the circumstances. Thus, identify when and where you can take meaningful actions to support colleagues that won’t compromise your own workload and core responsibilities. The more specifically you communicate offers of support, the better. 

  • “I could proofread that document for you before the end of the week if you send it to me by Wednesday.” 

  • “I agree with your idea for how to change this workplace process, I can express that agreement the next time I meet with our manager, and I will credit you with the idea.” 

  • “I have the bandwidth to escalate this task and complete it sooner than the deadline if that will help you accomplish your part in the shared project.” 

• If a colleague requests or demands support you cannot provide, especially if it extends outside your core responsibilities, communicate that promptly and confidently. This also goes back to honesty and transparency. 

  • “I was happy to review your work on short notice last time but in this case, I don’t have the bandwidth to do so. Given my current schedule, I likely won’t have time until next month at the earliest. Please check in with me then, if you’re still interested in my assistance.”

  • “My understanding is that your idea doesn’t currently take X into account. Until this is addressed, I won’t be able to give my support.”

  • “I’ll need approval from my manager to escalate this item for you over my current workload. I will inform them of your request and get back to you once I have their answer.” 

Another important way to offer support is by giving due credit for ideas and efforts within workplace discussions. This is an especially important strategy for supporting women, people of color, and others with minority identities, who more often have their ideas and efforts overlooked or hijacked. 

Besides identifying the desired outcome in your specific situation, ask yourself these other reflective prompts:

• What types of personalities do you find the most difficult or triggering?

• What strategies or practical steps will feel most authentic to you?

• Is there anyone in your workplace you trust whom you can go to for advice when working with specific difficult individuals?

• What are your personal limits that you’re not willing to cross in these workplace interactions and dynamics?

I worked for two years as a Career Counselor at my regional university. Besides taking daily appointments with students to review their resumes or practice interview questions, I organized semesterly career events and programming. We needed professors to promote these events to their students and often incentivize their attendance. Thus, professors were considered some of our main stakeholders and collaborators. 

One highly influential and tenured professor, in particular, was constantly outrageous in making insulting comments about her colleagues and our department at every opportunity. The Dean of the School was aware of her behavior and often apologized on her behalf. But as she was tenured with a permanent position, he could do little more. At first, I could barely keep a straight face interacting with her and avoided her whenever possible. 

The problem was that she wouldn’t respond to my emails and it was unclear how much she promoted our events to her students. Thus, I was determined to make a renewed effort with her in person to establish enough of a rapport to receive her support in these specific ways. Upon reflection, I realized most people insult others as a way to feel better about themselves or superior and this likely applied to her. 

Thus, when she inevitably made insulting comments about others in our conversation, I kept my face as neutral as possible, ignored the insulting comment completely, and diverted the conversation back to her or another topic. If she said, “Your department never bothers to bring the right employers to campus,” I responded, “Do you have certain contacts you’d like us to invite to the next event?” If she called a fellow professor a total idiot, I asked her something like, “What are you planning to do with your senior students before they graduate this semester?” It was challenging and really forced me to practice my poker face. Sometimes, I couldn’t think of a diversionary comment and would just have to stand there with a look of polite interest on my face until she moved on to another topic. But I started leaving our interactions with minimal drama.

Luckily, this strategy gave me results. She soon started replying to my emails in a timely manner and sent more of her students to our events and appointments. Of course, when I moved on from that job it was a relief that I never had to deal with her again. However, I was happy to have successfully navigated such a difficult person and achieved what I ultimately needed for my workplace goals during that time.

• What Makes People Easy or Hard to Get Along With?

• What Is Unconscious Bias?